Tag Archive | addiction

Family addiction

Today I miss my mom. I want her to be proud of me and my recovery. I want her to see how good life can be without using anything to alter your feelings.
My mom is an addict and is living in her addiction today. I know that i cant control her addiction and I need to let her live her life the way she chooses. My focus needs to be on me and my own recovery. I have so many feelings that are attached with my mom that it gets confusing on how i feel about her today. She is my best friend. She is fun to be with and she loves me unconditionally. (Or does she?) she is a wonderful grandma to my kids and she would do anything for us so we never go without anything. She is the ultimate people pleaser.. Mmm I wonder if thats where I got that from.. And she is so busy loving everybody else that she forgot to take care herself… Shit this story is starting to sound way too familiar.
I remember her and I first started using together when I was in high school and she was trying to relive her youth thru me and with me and all of my friends. My house became the place to be. I mean shit my mom would let us drink . Smoke, and even rail out some lines as long as we shared with her.
I never saw it as being dysfunctional when I was young. I just figured I had a really kick back, cool mom!?
Today I see the dysfunction of that in many ways. My relationship with my mom started that way and as I got older we became using buddies. I became a “functional addict”and mother, and mom was an addict in denial and a grandma. My mom and I could not be together without exchanging pills and making sure we had enough Vicodin to get us through our day together.
The last time i used with her, i remember I had been trying to get clean from meth and i had not yet surrendered to my pills completely. She had a full bottle of Vicodin in her purse but she pulled the car over in front of an urgent care and handed me $100 bill and said to me, “here, take this and go inside and pretend you have back pain. ” they will give you Vicodin and I will share the bottle with you if you get it.” I remember thinking for a second, sounds good to me! Free Vicodin.. No problem mom! And then I started feeling really sad. Like how can she do this to me? She knew I was trying to stay clean. Dosent she want me to get better? I started feeling sick to my stomach thinking that this was so fucking dysfunctional! My own mother is telling me to go lie to a Doctor so I could score for her? To make it worse she knew I was trying to get clean. Somehow that day I found this new strength inside of me and I was able tell her no mom you have enough right now. I couldn’t tell her of the things I was thinking of course but by telling her no i put a boundary up for the first time ever and it was hard but needed for me.
Today I am clean. Today i really dont have a relationship with my mom. Since getting honest with myself and putting my recovery first, i had to not be around ANYONE that uses, including my mother. The best thing for me to do today is do what a friend suggested. She told me to pretend my mom is in China right now until I have like 6 months clean. Of course i can talk to her if she calls but really the best thing for me is to get strong enough to be able to talk to her, because the truth is my mom is a trigger for me and she is very much in denial of her own addiction so talking to her is like talking to a defensive angry evil person i am not used to being clean. I am not strong enough yet to deal with her. Today i am most important. My recovery comes before anything or anybody. Because with my recovery, I would have nobody. I need my recovery to have my family. Its the least I can do. I want to love me again. I like me today. Hopefully someday I will love me again❤
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Mommy set the Tone in our Home❤

Today is 66 days of living clean for me. Today I feel good. I have been trying to stay clean while living in my own Insanity for the last 10 months and I realized that By doing that I will never fucking stay clean! I finally surrendered myself and really had to get honest not just for everyone else, but it was time to get honest with me, myself, and I.
Its amazing how much truth there when I am told that I am the one in my home as a homemaker that sets the “Tone” for everyone. They key to my staying clean for me is to stay in the moment. It sounds so simple yet it takes so much practice. I keep hearing the phrase Let Go, Let God. I never really understood what the hell that meant? It has taken me almost a year to figure this shit out!
I can see the light finally and i can feel a sense of peace within myself. I can feel all of these feelings that I have not felt in so long that ilI watch commercials that makes me cry now! Its amazing to feel life again and actually enjoy it all clean!!!! My kids are happier, my husband is happier, and our home is so much more peaceful when mommy is not living in Chaos.
I know that this is still just the beginning for me and my journey, and I will remember not to allow my head to get too big and i will remain teachable everyday. I am grateful to be clean today and I am so grateful to my family for not giving up and supporting with love and patience. 😃

My Goodbye letter To What I loved the most and what took everything my soul was.

img_47523.jpgI remember the day I met you. It was love at first sight. The way you looked at me through your sparkly eyes, it was a look that I had never seen before. When we touched lips, I began to feel your love for me run down my throat and through my veins until I could only feel one feeling and that was that I only wanted to feel this way with you for the rest of my life. You came into my life at a time when I needed somebody to help me get through my hardest and darkest days ever. You gave me that boost of energy to make me want to wake up in the morning. You gave me a feeling that I could not be hurt anyone or by any person in my life. You followed through with your promises. You were there when nobody else was. You were there when I would wake up and need to feel OK again. I started to depend on you more and more. I didn’t realize I could fall this deeply in love again with something. It became a scary kind of love. I need you more than you needed me. I became more lonely with you. You took my friends away. You took my family away. You took my ability to love away. You took my smile away. I thought you loved me? Why are you making me feel so cold and alone. I feel afraid yet I cant stop being with you. I cant live without you. Please, if you loved me you would not make me feel this way. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to need you in my life in order to wake up and live my day. I’m sorry but I cant love you any longer. You have ruined my life and taken my soul away. My heart hurts from being so cold for so long. I want to warm my heart again with real love. Please don’t do this to me. I know I am stronger than you are. I can make you go away forever. I will do it. I will take my heart back and I will heal myself from your poison. Your glass lips are nothing to me anymore. How could I have kissed you and thought you were going to help me and love me. I’m so sick to my stomach now. I have broke you many times and I will not do this to myself or my family ever again. Stay away from me because my strength, courage, and willingness to get healthy again will overpower your temporally love that you give me. Good bye Crystal