Family addiction

Today I miss my mom. I want her to be proud of me and my recovery. I want her to see how good life can be without using anything to alter your feelings.
My mom is an addict and is living in her addiction today. I know that i cant control her addiction and I need to let her live her life the way she chooses. My focus needs to be on me and my own recovery. I have so many feelings that are attached with my mom that it gets confusing on how i feel about her today. She is my best friend. She is fun to be with and she loves me unconditionally. (Or does she?) she is a wonderful grandma to my kids and she would do anything for us so we never go without anything. She is the ultimate people pleaser.. Mmm I wonder if thats where I got that from.. And she is so busy loving everybody else that she forgot to take care herself… Shit this story is starting to sound way too familiar.
I remember her and I first started using together when I was in high school and she was trying to relive her youth thru me and with me and all of my friends. My house became the place to be. I mean shit my mom would let us drink . Smoke, and even rail out some lines as long as we shared with her.
I never saw it as being dysfunctional when I was young. I just figured I had a really kick back, cool mom!?
Today I see the dysfunction of that in many ways. My relationship with my mom started that way and as I got older we became using buddies. I became a “functional addict”and mother, and mom was an addict in denial and a grandma. My mom and I could not be together without exchanging pills and making sure we had enough Vicodin to get us through our day together.
The last time i used with her, i remember I had been trying to get clean from meth and i had not yet surrendered to my pills completely. She had a full bottle of Vicodin in her purse but she pulled the car over in front of an urgent care and handed me $100 bill and said to me, “here, take this and go inside and pretend you have back pain. ” they will give you Vicodin and I will share the bottle with you if you get it.” I remember thinking for a second, sounds good to me! Free Vicodin.. No problem mom! And then I started feeling really sad. Like how can she do this to me? She knew I was trying to stay clean. Dosent she want me to get better? I started feeling sick to my stomach thinking that this was so fucking dysfunctional! My own mother is telling me to go lie to a Doctor so I could score for her? To make it worse she knew I was trying to get clean. Somehow that day I found this new strength inside of me and I was able tell her no mom you have enough right now. I couldn’t tell her of the things I was thinking of course but by telling her no i put a boundary up for the first time ever and it was hard but needed for me.
Today I am clean. Today i really dont have a relationship with my mom. Since getting honest with myself and putting my recovery first, i had to not be around ANYONE that uses, including my mother. The best thing for me to do today is do what a friend suggested. She told me to pretend my mom is in China right now until I have like 6 months clean. Of course i can talk to her if she calls but really the best thing for me is to get strong enough to be able to talk to her, because the truth is my mom is a trigger for me and she is very much in denial of her own addiction so talking to her is like talking to a defensive angry evil person i am not used to being clean. I am not strong enough yet to deal with her. Today i am most important. My recovery comes before anything or anybody. Because with my recovery, I would have nobody. I need my recovery to have my family. Its the least I can do. I want to love me again. I like me today. Hopefully someday I will love me again❤


2 thoughts on “Family addiction

  1. I would like to encourage you to stay on the road to recovery. Although you have had challenges along the way, you will be a stronger person as the result of the challenges. If it had not been for all the obstacles that I have had to face, I would not have grown in so many areas of my life. I remember when I was around 14 and was playing baseball on my father’s team. My father had been coaching the team for some time because he wanted his kids to play and not just be on the team. He wanted me to play a position that I did not want to play. The baseball came a lot faster at 3rd base than it did in center field which was why I did not want to play 3rd base. He also wanted to me to pitch and that was a challenge for me as well. One day me and my friend were sitting around and we decided to start a band, needless to say I was headed for a career change that would cause some conflict between me and my father for years. This was on the major issues that I had to work on while in early recovery. After I got into recovery I was able to focus on myself and work on myself to the point that I did not need to see myself through the eye of other expectations. I continue to learn how to walk out my own destiny and vision. Vision- in the Greek means a disclosure of the unseen reality. Until I was able to see myself I could not commuicate myself correctly to others. This has been a major focus of mind over the last few years, learning how to communicate myself to people, not trying to get them to understand me. If commuicate who I am on a consistent basis than others are able to see me. Congrats on your 6 months and no matter what, DON’T USE and things will get better.

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